Brief Moments of Clarity

 

As I drove home from the hospital, my heart felt a bit heavy and my frustration spilled over. My good friend Sarah has been fighting for over a year to get rid of a colon infection that has repeatedly had her in the hospital, the most recent episode starting during her visit with me in Durham. I drove up with her to Washington, DC, which was already part of the plan, but the night we arrived, we checked her into the emergency room.

It’s so heart breaking and frustrating for me to see her in pain, exhausted but still so patient and positive. I’ve spent the last few days sitting in her hospital room, robed and gloved, chatting and trying to just be a distraction from her situation. I’ve delayed my bus to New York City until Friday, when her parents will get back into town. I’ve brought magazines and a silly matching game, a stuffed animal from her apartment and some other treats; but it’s just so inadequate! Today she received the news that the doctors will try something new tomorrow, but she won’t be able to go home for another two days at least.

Last night, as I drove to her apartment after a day spent at the hospital, I felt myself coming to a realization. Actually, two realizations. First: now’s the time to have the courage to do what I ultimately decide I really want to do. That might seem silly, but lately decision procrastination has been the name of my game, as if the moment I make a decision about what to do next, I’ll regret it. It’s ridiculous! We can never know when some random colon issue will pop up, or some other health or personal or family issue for that matter. So instead of being afraid to make the wrong decision, it dawned on me that it’s time to have courage to be all right with making a decision.

Not that I’m in a hurry to make a decision, but at least delaying it should be deliberate instead of out of fear.

The second realization is somewhat unrelated. As I puttered on my computer at the hospital, I chatted briefly with a friend and found out that she’s just become pregnant. She’s a few years younger than me, married two years ago now. That has sort of been a trend amongst my friends. I guess I’m at the age where that’s what generally happens. For some reason, after finishing my chat with this now-pregnant friend, I felt completely deflated and unhappy. I’m not married and have no prospects for it. Sure, I think about the possibility of getting pregnant and having a kid by myself, but that’s not really my preferred plan.

As I drove home, the second realization hit mid-rant to myself: “…always different from my peer group, and never seem to follow any of the normal paths… oh.” And there it was. No, I’ve never exactly seen myself as the same as everyone else, with the same aspirations or goals. And no, I haven’t exactly followed the expected route in my life thus far. At times these facts make me proud and at others they make me feel so… apart. Last night, driving, I had the briefest moment of clarity: just because society raises us to expect and strive towards certain ‘life benchmarks’ doesn’t mean those are MY life benchmarks! And that’s ok!

All right, that’s pretty cliché, but for that briefest of moments, I actually believed it. And that belief, that certainty that it truly is ok to follow a completely different route, lifted the curtain of self-doubt for a bright-eyed peek of what life might be.

This morning, the curtain was lowered again and I squinted through the gauze of fear and uncertainty and the ‘get a steady job, find a husband, have a family’ mentality we’re all trained to embrace.

If I can only grab that certain feeling and hold it close, know it and not just lip-synch the words with no conviction, perhaps decision making about my future will feel less scary, less intense. It’s going to take a courage that’s hard to dig up, though.

--Z