Sunday, February 16, 2014

Lots Happening, Nothing Changing

It's been five months and a lot - and nothing - has happened. How so, you ask? Here, let me tell you!

In late December I got on a plane and headed to Myanmar (Burma) with a group of undergraduates also attending American University. We spent two weeks in Yangon (Rangoon) and Mandalay, speaking with various education spokespersons, from teachers to students, debate club organizers to volunteers, government committee members to translators. All had hope and all were resigned to slow progress. There was much discussion of revolution versus reformation. Overall I was incredibly impressed with the fortitude, determination and optimistic views of everyone I met. And of course, I was bowled over by the unique culture of a new place. It was really an adventure and while I'd love to say more now, I'm not quite ready to process it all out loud yet!

I'm now in my second semester of graduate school, studying away for a degree in International Relations at American University. The first two classes were challenging and fascinating and although completely different, this semester's classes can be described, overall, in the same way: challenging and fascinating. I'm taking "International Studies: History, Theory, Practice" and "Security from within the State." Up until just recently both have been largely philosophical and, oddly, introspective.

Just last weekend I took the Foreign Service Officer test for the State Department. I have no real sense of how I did, although there's a nagging feeling that it was good enough. Nevertheless, I remain hopeful as I wait - impatiently, of course - for the results of the test, which will take 3-6 weeks to come out. If I did pass, there will be two additional phases prior to going through background, security and medical checks. Each phase is competitive, meaning if I don't pass one, I would have to wait a year and then start from the beginning. Whew!

Meanwhile, work in general goes along well, although there are rumors at some organizational changes that I'm not sure I care for. I continue to want to do well and progress, while at the same time knowing that this isn't my permanent home in terms of a career. This May I will come up on a personal milestone of paying off my military time and thus gaining eight years towards federal service, putting me at ten years service as of July. For some reason this stands out to me as a key milestone, although in reality ten years - while better than just two! - is not indicative of any great achievement or reward.

On the home front, my friend Joe has returned from his deployment and is visiting Cody for a few weeks. He'll go back to Colorado Springs to work out his employment situation, hopefully getting a job set up for the general DC area, and then will possibly move back in with me and Cody until the lease is up this summer. I have no idea what I'll do then, since they'll most likely move to their own place and I really can't afford this apartment on my own. The idea of a shedding "stuff" and finding a small apartment for myself is attractive. Moving again is not.

With Joe's return I also realize, in completely immature fashion, that I'm single and, for lack of making an effort otherwise, likely to stay that way. Most times this doesn't bother me. Ok, perhaps not completely true, but most times I don't let it bother me too much. It's harder when you become the third in a living space alongside a couple. I know this from past experience, yet I failed to recognize the likelihood of its impact on me. For example, today I've acted like a complete jerk towards both Joe and Cody, for no reason other than my own self-loathing in this regard. If that sounds harsh, it's because my mood is foul and I'm not very unforgiving of my own crabbiness, especially when it's so selfish and baseless. I don't loathe myself; instead, I have no idea why it bothers me so much that I'm single. If it really mattered, wouldn't I do something about it?

Everyone says 'there's time' and that it'll 'happen when I least expect it' and to 'relax.' I can't figure out if it's really important to me, or if so why (because society says so or because finding someone is truly important to me or because I want a family). Also, what should I do about it anyway? Move to a place with a better ratio? (DC is notorious for having a terrible ration for women.) Having recently made a half-assed effort to go out with someone, just to be shot down (and realize that he's not right for me anyway), it just seems sort of silly. After all, I'm making all the efforts to find a career I'll be happy in, that will get me traveling or living abroad and into a subject area I'm passionate about. Obviously the ability to at least attempt to improve my situation in that respect is there. So why not in this other aspect of my life?

*sigh* So, as I said at the beginning of this post: it's been five months since I've written, and while a lot has happened... absolutely nothing has changed.

--Z

NOTE: I'm in a mood. I'm sad. I've been a jerk to my roommates for no reason and am feeling bad about it. In no way am I as down as I sound, overall. It's just the moment I'm currently in.