The Global "Z": That Lost Feeling, Plus the Jerky Gremlin

The work stress of my first few months in Bamako, Mali, masked the culture shock roller coaster. When it was later pointed out to me that part of my stressed out state was due to that 'coaster, it somehow made me feel a tiny bit better. In Paris, it seemed impossible that I could be subject to culture shock, since everything is so pretty, and tasty, and historic, and iconic. But still, it would hit me at times, there in my bougie suburbia apartment: that feeling, part disappointment in myself for not getting out there to discover new places and make new friends, and part just feeling lonely and lost.

Here at my third post, when that lost feeling hits me from time to time, I try to be extra nice to myself, mindful that's it will pass. It's not easy though, because of that little voice that's always around to make me question myself. It's that little voice in the back of my mind that has lots of judgement to pass:

Why are you so scared to just go out and explore?

Why don't you have any local friends?

You're missing it all in favor of throwing yourself into work - what's the point of even living abroad, then?

Sure you have a great apartment, but you never go out! You're All Alone and that'll never change at this rate.

What a jerk.

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I once saw a self-help book at a Barnes & Noble with a title that included gremlins. It encouraged drawing the speaker of that little voice in your head, and showed examples from the author's patients. There were cartoons of beautiful people and evil ones, and of monsters or animals with fangs. I've thought about that book (which I did not read in full) a lot over the years. What would my gremlin look like? For me, it would look exactly like me, except sometimes it would be a fit, beautiful, vibrant version of myself with a snotty, pinched expression; and sometimes it would be a slovenly, clumsy, fat and boring version of me. Either way, my gremlin is a real asshole.

There are times I can shush the gremlin-me and move beyond it, and times I can't. In the latter, I look in the mirror and see every single one of my insecurities, my frizzy hair and chubby cheeks and dull stupid face, my dumpy and ill-fitting clothes, my boring personality and lonely life. It's clearly a terrible lie, but there it is: my evil gremlin, who whispers ugly nothings in my ear.

Now combine that jerk's mutterings with a downward spiral of culture shock, that feeling that I'll never get out and meet people outside my bubble, or experience authentic local things... and you've got a really grumpy me that refuses to step outside my apartment door.

It's a rough day when those two things meet and take over.

It's been that kind of day today.

So what to do when forces conspire to make me hide? Well, drinking isn't one of the solutions - that makes it worse. Hanging out with other people can help, but just as often exacerbates the feelings of inadequacy as the Jerk makes comparisons or points out foibles or faux pas. Coloring in coloring books while listening to music; a bubble bath; watching silly tv shows; eating a good meal: these activities are calming and potentially restorative. Sleep, too, soothes the ego.

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After writing this, it feels like I shouldn't post it; who will it worry, who will pass judgement, will anyone read it at all? But I will post it, because it's true and it's my blog, after all. And life is not at all bad: Cambodia is an interesting place with lovely people. To prove that it's not all doom and gloom with me, here are a few recent pictures: