Fuzzy Brain, Achy Head, Sniffly Nose

Note: Today I’m lying in bed and expect to be doing so for the foreseeable future. I’m not a good sicky. I’m grumpy and impatient and horribly disappointed that I’m missing out on beautiful weather, helping my dad move and paint and set up the new house. In short: my mood is on the low side. Keep that in mind while reading this post…

So, it’s been a month now that I’ve been home. Am I home yet? I think so. Want to know how I know? Because I’m forgetting how it felt already.

My memories of my trip are clear and beautiful. I love thinking about my travels and pondering some of the harder questions I came up against, as well as dreaming of returning to the most incredible places. But that feeling, the physical and emotional feeling of being “footloose and fancy-free” and of obtaining a glimmering understanding of a wider world… well, that feeling is fading fast.

Since being home, I’ve visited many friends and told many of my stories. My ideas of what to do with myself – both in the coming months and in the coming years – have been as varied as doing more traveling to Puerto Rico, Nepal, England or within the US, all the way to getting a job with a space systems contractor. In between there’s Peace Corps, hiding out for the winter in a cabin in Minnesota to write, getting a job quick just to start earning again, or bussing up to New York City to join the Occupation there.

That is to say… I have no idea what’s next. And I realize that my options are broad and that having options is not a bad thing, I really do. But I’m so frustrated! Before I left, all I wanted was to have a sense of some direction to take with my life, whether it be a career, a person, a place… whatever! And here I am, in exactly the same place.

My biggest fear is that the whole trip was nothing more than a vacation from life. I didn’t want it to be that. I don’t want it to have been that. There’s still part of me that believes it wasn’t that. And yet here I am, moving forward (or thinking about it, anyway) with nothing more than the same ideas I had before I did the trip.

Note: See note before post. I realize that I’m rather grumpy and negative at the moment because I feel rather awful.

On the positive side, I have a general idea of what to do with myself in the coming months:

*November: Help parents move in and settle in to their new house, which is beautiful. Move my own things from storage into their shed. Celebrate mom’s birthday. Go to brother’s for Thanksgiving. Relax. Work on applications and resumes.

*December: Lots of ideas. Go to NYC to check out the Occupy Wall Street action. Go on an REI weekend kayaking/camping trip in South Carolina. Go to Puerto Rico. Go to DC.

*January: Move up to a furnished apartment or basement in DC. Get a job to keep from going broke. Continue application processes.

 

Anyway, that’s it for now. Trying to end on an up note. Send me some healthy vibes!!

Finding a Groove

 

It’s exactly two weeks that I’ve been home now and I’d still say that I’m only maybe 50% mentally home. Some things seem harder while others just don’t feel important. My stomach has fits now and then and my energy flags at the oddest times. It’s hard to focus nearly all the time and I find myself making lists of things to do, to remember to think about, to plan for. This Sunday I will drive up to DC and I’ve worked out a fantastic itinerary of visiting lots of people.

Here are the things on my mind lately, in no real order of importance:

• My Career. Oy, what a phrase. I’m trying to focus primarily on my near future but then various other plans extend to make that difficult. In terms of job possibilities, I’m most intent on applying to Peace Corps at the moment. Their timeline is 9-12 months so the sooner I can get started, the better. I’m researching State Department opportunities as well as DoDDS, or teaching military dependents at base schools around the world. The Peace Corps application is fairly straight-forward and I hope to submit it rather soon, maybe even before I leave for DC. The State Department is tougher, for one thing because I’m unsure if it’s really a direction I want to go and for another, because no one seems to want to talk to me about it (including the local recruiter). And DoDDS is a typical charlie foxtrot, with loopholes and recruiters who tell me to just look at their website and not to call them again until I’ve submitted an application. What the heck?! Recruitment doesn’t mean what I thought it meant…
• I have not yet begun to feel out my possibilities in terms of going into the contractor world. I have some ins there but, like the State Department, I’m unsure if it’s a direction I want to go. I’d be good at it and I think I’m still hirable even after a year hiatus. And it would earn decent pay. I just don’t know and hope to discuss the option with a couple people during my visit to DC.
• Another thing I will need to consider is short-term employment. Wherever I decide to apply will take time. I have not even begun to think about this, although I wonder if I could work at my writing...
• My Living Situation. Right now I’m staying with my folks. They’ll begin moving to a new house in late October, and be completely moved in early November. I plan on helping them move and to take residence at least temporarily in the guest bedroom. I’m trying to figure out if I should stay with them until I figure out my next move, or whether I should find my own place. If the latter, then where? I have savings to support myself for six months. This could last a lot longer if I stay with my folks.
• My Escape Plan. As I’ve mentioned, my ticket home from Turkey was a round-trip ticket. The departure date is currently 30 November. However, Turkey will be cool and getting cooler then and I’m not altogether sure I want to set off so soon. I can change the date on the ticket for $150. One general idea I have is to call the airline (or Expedia) and see if I can make it an open-ended departure date.
• Chores. Check-ups, dental visits, VA appeals, the list goes on and on.
• Projects. I always have’m. Most of my projects at the moment have to do with my trip: make a book of pictures and stories; create a postcard to send to my various hosts; write some articles; ponder volunteering, fundraising and/or setting up a pen-pal campaign at the nunnery in Kathmandu. Also, I want to try to brush up and increase my basic knowledge of world history and world religions. And I’d like to get involved with some volunteering, such as with an adult literacy center, and the Red Cross, and maybe an animal shelter.

As you can see, my thoughts are fairly helter-skelter. There are times I think I should take off at the end of November and just see where things take me. Then I can’t even figure out how that could happen.

And I’m still not really completely BACK from my trip yet. I know I have to be patient and give myself time, but it’s difficult!